neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
