My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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