dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Randomize
