I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I want a musical about memes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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