the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
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dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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