and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
