so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
