this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
