Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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