I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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