i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
