Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
