Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
