I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
