I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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