I just cut my nipple shaving
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
