Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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