I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.