She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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