Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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