he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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