The maid of honor just puked.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
