If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
