My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Terrible idea I love it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
