oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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