He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
