I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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