She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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