I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
