the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
