I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
