She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Damn victory sex feels great
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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