So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize