i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
