doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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