im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
