OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
