Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
