Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
