Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
