I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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