At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Vodka?
Forever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
