Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
