my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
