Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
