I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
