Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
