Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
