i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Alive.
So much puke
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
