I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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