You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
