Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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