It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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